Cyrus was wretched as he watched her, as she looked gently into the
distance, sunlight choosing to know her eyes, her nose, the elegant grace of
her neck.
He wondered what she wondered.
It was dangerous, what he was doing.
Alizeh’s life was so colored by suffering that she was often surprised
by her ability to carry on. Injustice raged at her from every corner of the
earth. It was indeed astonishing to her that the pain of life itself had not
already killed her.
And yet—
She’d begun to realize that it was pain that had built her; pain that had
both softened and scarred her; pain that had prepared her most for this
moment.
"Master yourself so that you will never be mastered. Know yourself so that you might live with conviction. Live with conviction so that your steps never falter." He paused. "The mastery of self means never fearing the consequences of doing what is right."
"You must not resist life when it becomes inconvenient to live. You cannot outrun fear. You should not ignore pain. You will not outlive death."
Cyrus felt a strange sense of foreboding. "What do you mean?"
"You spent three hours in a state of distress focused solely on one emotion hoping to discard those hours from your life as if your discomforts might expire with them. But life cannot be experienced one
emotion at a time. It is a tapestry of sensation, a braided rope of feeling. We must allow for reflection even when we suffer. We must reach for compassion even when we triumph. If you spend your days waiting for your sorrows to end so that you might finally live" - he shook his head - "you will die an impatient man."
He only closed his eyes against her hair and fought the desperate crush of his chest, the violence of his affection for her. How she managed to disarm him even now, on the brink of death, he could not understand. She'd wept for his pain, wiped the blood from his eyes, taken an arrow in the back for him. She'd shown him more loyalty and tenderness in
two days than he'd ever felt in his life, and he knew then, with a force that drove the air from his lungs, that he would never survive her.
That day, Cyrus had learned cowardice was a luxury.
Only the privileged few could afford to run away, to lock their doors and close their eyes to ugliness. The rest lived in homes without doors to lock, looked through eyes without lids to shut. They confronted the dark even as their hearts trembled, as their souls shook - for even strangled by fear, there was no choice but to endure.
No one would be along to slay their demons.
So many desires, to manage and extinguish.
"And then?" he said softly. "Will you kill me then? Is this the order in which you intend to annihilate me? Will you tear out my heart first, rip off my crown next, and end my life only when I'm on my knees, begging you to end my misery?"
From
"Alizeh-"
"You know, you say my name a lot."
"I say your name," he said tersely, "a perfectly normal amount."
To
"Let's go back to bed, Alizeh."
"Cyrus"
He laughed a little, like he was drunk. "I do say it a lot."
"What?" she said, going briefly still.
"Your name," he said, and closed his eyes. He nearly fell over, catching himself at the last second. "I didn't know your name for so long, angel. I love the way it feels in my mouth."
🖤
There was something decidedly fascinating about Cyrus; something potent and complex, and prodding him for truth felt a lot like prodding a sore muscle; the results were both painful and pleasant. She pitied him even as she detested him, understood him even as she scorned him. He was a series of mystery boxes she wasn't certain she wanted to open, and whose hidden depths tempted her even as they scared her.
She didn't know what she wanted from him or whether she wanted
anything at all.
الیس الله باحکم الحاکمین۔
Kamran had never known how muddy grief might be; it had never occurred to him that the death of a loved one might prove difficult to mourn, or that a heart might continue to beat long after it was broken. He'd not been taught to navigate this misty, middle track of uncertainty, no, Kamran had lived always with the luxury of absolutes.
"Kamran, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to know that I ask it sincerely-
"What?"
"Have you lost your mind?"
The prince laughed at that, the sound hollow. "I lost my mind the moment I met her, Hazan, and you were there to witness my fall from reason, so don't feign surprise now."
"I swear, sometimes you scare me."
"Sometimes, Hazan, I scare myself."
"My mother offered you a deal, which you accepted," he said. "I'll offer you a better one."
She gaped at him. "You're asking me to double-cross your mother? Heavens, but you're a very strange family."
"Marry me," Cyrus said, a spark of heat in his eyes. "Become my queen just long enough to sate the devil's demands. Once he's satisfied, he'll discharge me of a tremendous debt, and I'll be that much closer to my freedom. When I'm finally free, I give you leave to kill me at your leisure and take Tulan for yourself."
Alizeh stiffened, disbelief roaring through her, even as the nosta burned hot against her chest.
"You can't be serious," she breathed.
"My kingdom," he said softly. "For your hand."
"Alizeh," he said softly. "Have you been a wicked gird?" Abruptly she drew away from the table and hugged herself, her wet gown chilling her anew in the breeze.
"No." she said too quickly, realizing that, in fact, she might've underestimated the southern king.
Never averting his eyes, Cyrus mirrored her earlier movements. He dropped an elbow onto the table, his cheek into his hand, and blinded her with a smile so sincere it unsettled her, inciting an unexpected, detestable flutter of feeling in her chest.
"No?" he said, still smiling.
Not trusting herself to speak, she shook her head.
"God, you're so beautiful," he said, his smile vanishing. "Even when you lie to me."
As a child his convictions had been stronger; the world had seemed simpler, his opinions more absolute. He’d thought with age and experience
his ideas of the world would grow only more certain; instead, the opposite had proven true.
The more he lived—the more he endured—the more convinced Kamran became that he knew nothing at all.
الھم انک عفو تحب العفوا فعف عنی۔
ازن رخصت دیں تجھے ہم یا تیرے دل میں رہیں؟
رَبَّنَا لَا تُزِغْ قُلُوبَنَا بَعْدَ إِذْ هَدَيْتَنَا وَهَبْ لَنَا مِن لَّدُنكَ رَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلْوَهَّابُ ٨
آل عمران~
اداسیوں کا سبب کیا کہوں بجز اس کے
کہ زندگی ہے، پریشانیاں تو ہوتی ہیں
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